Monday, November 4, 2013

Kardashian clan swings between concealing and revealing

Magwatch

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.

Revealing and concealing: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Photo: Getty Images

Famous reports singer Kanye West has started his Yeezus Tour with his ''face hidden with designer masks for much of the show''.

While acknowledging Yeezy's pioneering ways in popular culture, Magwatch respectfully suggests that ''designer mask'' is stretching things.

We call his head attire ''size XXXL studded black underpants worn backwards over face'' - and we hope they are clean.

West has also revealed plans for his marriage to Kim Kardashian. Having declared he will be ''my own best man'', he described the event as: ''Two words: fighter jets.''

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Magwatch hopes this means Kanye and Kim will strap themselves into the cockpits of two F/A-18s and perform a series of low-flying defensive manoeuvres over a packed marquee.

Then, using the heat from the jets' afterburners, scorch ''I do'' in nearby grassland, causing a flash fire doused, at immense cost, by firefighters from 25 nations dressed in tuxedos and black, studded underpants worn backwards over their faces.

There's worrying news from the Kardashian/Jenner clan with reports teenager Kendall Jenner has surgically enlarged her mouth to non-human dimensions.

''Her mouth is twice the size it once was,'' an insider says in Famous' cover article ''Kendall Jenner: Surgery at 17!''

''The evidence is right there - she's hardly being shy about it.''

Doubling the size of one's mouth hardly seems practical, let alone appealing. It would present terrible dangers on the red carpets of a busy celebrity's life.

Imagine the air kisses. Jenner's mega-gob swooping in like a lipsticked black hole, accidentally swallowing fellow luminaries' heads whole after leaning in for a cheek peck.

Would tiny party food servings ever feel right for her ginormous gob?

Party organisers would have to plan special bucket-sized Kendall decanters for champagne toasts lest she ingest cut-crystal flutes in one breath.

Sew it back up, sweet Kendall. Think of the insects flying in.

Miley Cyrus is worried about her stolen personal computer. It will reveal things ''that will shock people - really shock them''. There are sex-tape rumours but we think it is probably images of Cyrus fully clothed and reading a book.


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